from a niece to her uncle.

So tomorrow is September 10th, 2012. The beginning of a week that is very close to me. A week that tears me apart and yet, puts me back together again at the same time. September 10th-15th is National Suicide Prevention week. About 10 years ago, labor day weekend, my uncle Jason never came home.

At 5 years old, it's kind of hard to understand the concept of death. I remember the police showing up at our door. I remember my aunt collapsing. I remember hearing her screaming as my parents took me upstairs. I remember sitting on my parents bed, being told my uncle wasn't coming home again. I remember thinking, "when is he coming home, then?" But then I looked at parents who had tears in there eyes and thinking that something wasn't right. At 5 years old, it's kind of hard to understand the condept of death.

My uncle was an undiagnost bipolar who had struggled with depression near the end of his life. But that's not who I remember him to be. I remember him with a smile on his face, letting me jump on his bed. I remember the uncle who always came home with a gold dollar for me. And that's who I chose to remember. One of the favorite men in my life. The man who loved my aunt with all his heart. The man who made everyone happy.

During this extremely hard week, I chose to remember my uncle. I chose to help anyone who could have ever possibly want to end their life. I chose to be there for anyone, and everyone. "You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters." You are not alone, and hope is real.

Jason, thanks for being the best you could be. I wish I could've known you longer, that I could've helped you. But I hang on to Romans 8:28 and and continue to hope. I love you and miss you so much. I'll always keep collecting those gold dollars.
Love,
your niece.

be a light.

It's funny how one thing can bring such joy to your heart. How one thing can convict you so much. That thing that other people may just look over can just grip at your heart and not let go. This is what this picture does to me. This is what that country does for me. I want to bring this type of pure hearted happiness to the kids of Africa. I want to show them Jesus.

he makes me beautiful.

As many of you know, for the past 40 days, I have been fasting makeup. On August 11th it will officially be 2 months. Now, I know for some people that may not seem like a big deal. Oh, she went 2 months without makeup? Big whoop. There are kids out in the world starving and here she is complaining about fasting something so trivial. And I admit, it is a bit pathetic. But I would be lying if I told you these past few months have been easy. They haven't been. Not even close. For me, makeup is a shield, a security blanket. Something I can put up and hide from the world. I struggle with an addiction, in a way, to it. I seek it when I am feeling bad about myself and use it to try to be better. Makeup was my way of not having to face myself. I had become so addicted that I wouldn't be caught without it on. I even wore it around the house. For awhile now, I 've been suffering with low self-esteem and self-worth. I would pass mirrors and have to hold in tears. I remember praying to God at night, begging him to make me beautiful. To make me skinny, pretty, tall, gorgeous. But I still woke up every morning looking exactly the same, hating both God and myself. So I started wearing differently clothing, dieting, and wearing makeup. And people started liking me. There wasn't a time where I left the house without my hair exactly the way I wanted it or my makeup not done. But this year I started to take a few days off and stop keeping up these apperences. People asked if I was sick or tired. They said I wasn't looking like myself. Which is ironic because I probably looked the closest to my original self as I could. It mad me sick to think that people had thought the real me looked worse than the makeup me. I was so angry at myself for letting my addiction take over. I needed to take this to God. I needed to end it. So I prayed. And fasted. Giving up makeup was hard. Extremely hard. One of the most challenging things I've had to do, which says a lot. But I have learned so much in the past few months and I wouldn't change any of it. I don't need makeup to be beautiful. I don't need makeup to be accepted. I don't NEED makeup. What I need is God. The God who created me in HIS image. The God who made ne fearfully and wonderfully. The God who loves me and has a placed a deep beauty in my heart. He is the one I need to please. He is the one who makes me beautiful.

all to you, i surrender.

there is no place I would rather be than here at your feet, laying down everything. wow. talk about powerful. okay, so let's start from the beginning. tonight at dance we found our finale song for our recital. it's called 'surrender'.

then I began to realize,

that fits this year so much.

this year i have felt so dragged down from just everything.

everything from last year, mistakes, accusations, and hardships.

and these things have been keeping me from really ever succeding in anything.

i feel as if these things have been following me everywhere i go.

like i constantly carry them everywhere.

it doesnt help that I'm reminded everyday from other people either.

and i'm still paying for past mistakes.

but i've realized that I dont have to carry these things with me anymore if I just....

surrender.

every thing, every part of me.

my dreams, my mistakes, and my enitre life.

if i just trust him and completely surrender

he will be there, willing to take all of me,

and everything else.

if i just surrender,

he will catch me,

always.

but things like this are easier said then done.

as I've said, i'm not great at fully trusting anyone.

and if i want to completely surrender, then i need to trust.

trust that he will protect me.

that he wont let me fall.

and thats hard.

really hard.

but it's worth it.

i realized that just letting go and trusting him is so much easier

than holding back.

and when you learn to let go,

is when you completely and fully

surrender.

jeremiah 50:15

she surrenders,

her towers fall,

her walls are torn down.

don't look at me, look at him.

it's hard to admit,
but I'm not perfect.
Actually, I'm pretty far from it.

very far.

and most of us are.

nobody is perfect.

we can't expect people to be.

we can't put them up on petistools.

because sooner or later, they'll let us down.

I have this problem.

there are certain people in my life who I look up to.

I expect them to be perfect.

and it's unfair.

to them.

and to me.

I get my hopes up thinking that they'll be someone I can trust in.

but then when they fall, I lose their trust.

It's led to alot of broken relationships in my life.

for example, my brother and I.

first, you need to know that my brother is such a inspiration to me.

I wish everyday that I could be as caring, kind, faithful as he is.

He is such a great leader and follower of christ.

I thought he was perfect.

totally unfair of me.

for so long, we were constantly fueding.

I thought that he would never make mistakes.

but he did.

and quite often.

I felt so neglected and alone.

I felt that nothing I knew was the same anymore.

that my perfect brother was failing me.

and I was confused.

then, we started really talking and trying to understand each other.

he had no idea that I had carried such high thoughts about him.

that I was constantly trying to be like him.

and I finally realized that

he's not perfect.

nobody is.

except god.

when I finally figured this out,

that was when our relationship started to mend.

we started to be able to talk to each other without fighting.

and I was able to not feel let down.

neglected.

hurt.

through this, I realize that you can't rely on people.

people are people.

human.

they'll always let you down.

the only person you can rely on is god.

he is perfect.

holy.

worthy.

he is the one you can put your trust in.

he will never let you down.

he is always there for you.

always.

and I am so thankful for that.

psalms 18:2

the lord is my rock, my fortress,

and my deliverer; my god is my rock

in whom I take refuge.

oh how he loves us, oh how he loves.

the enemy will stop at nothing.

nothing.

he's always waiting to attack.

he springs at any chance he can get to tear your world apart.

to make you feel

worthless, betrayed, unwanted, and useless.
just name a few.

we wants you to feel like you can no longer go on.

he likes to see you suffer.

actually, he thrives on it.

lately I feel as if he has been taking every chance he can get to make

my life horrible.

to ruin me one piece at a time.

to push me to my absolute breaking point.

he's been coming at me with full strength.

ruining my relationships, my self-esteem, and

my passion.

I just feel lately like I'm worthless.

like I can't do anything.

like no one could ever love me.

also, not only that, but a relationship with one of my closest friend

and one of my many mentors

was ruined.

I felt as if every second she kept telling me what I was doing wrong.

that I couldnt do anything right.

but I realize now that it was just the enemy speaking to me.

making me feel useless and betrayed.

and now its too late.

but as I have been going through this, I have been realizing

not just how much the enemy hates me,

but how much god loves me.

I was looking in the mirror today and I just felt like god speaking to me,

saying to me,

"abbie, your worth it.

your beautiful.

your strong."

wow.

god, you never cease to amaze me.

so from now on, I realize that no matter how bad it gets,

no matter how bad you feel.

he's always there.

watching over you.

protecting you.

telling you you're beautiful.

your strong.

and that your worth it.

psalms 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully

and wonderfully made.

your works are wonderful.

I know that full well.

awaken my heart, awaken my soul.

more and more I find myself drained.
physically, mentally, emotionally.
and spirtually.
I find myself taking the easy way out because
of this.
I feel like I just have this constant "tired"
feeling all the time.
It's not like my schedule is full.
pretty much just dance, school, and practice.
not very busy, ehh?
but why do I feel so spent by the end of the week?
Also, I've been realizing how I don't have a time that
I spend with god each week.
and that I haven't spent nearly as much time praying and talking
with god as I normally do.
then it hit me.
that's why I feel so tired and weak by the end of the week.
spending time with god just rejuvenates my spirit.
his wisdom is what gives me stength to get through the week.
I need him.
badly.
when I talk to god, my spirit just feels content, like at peace.
it just feels right.
I have begun to realize that in his presence is where I belong.

we were singing a song at youth wednesday night that just
really pulled at my heart.
for so long, I was confused.
lost.
out of options.
I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.
only until realized that I belong with him.
with my lord.
in his presence.
the song just kept repeating
"I finally found where I belong, I finally found where I belong,
in your presence."
and it just literally had me in tears.
that the lord of the earth could allow me to be in his presence.
and not only that, but it was where I belong.
I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty cool.
actually, it's pretty awesome if you think about it :)

exodus 33:14
the lord replied,
"my presence will go with you,
and I will give you rest."