all to you, i surrender.

there is no place I would rather be than here at your feet, laying down everything. wow. talk about powerful. okay, so let's start from the beginning. tonight at dance we found our finale song for our recital. it's called 'surrender'.

then I began to realize,

that fits this year so much.

this year i have felt so dragged down from just everything.

everything from last year, mistakes, accusations, and hardships.

and these things have been keeping me from really ever succeding in anything.

i feel as if these things have been following me everywhere i go.

like i constantly carry them everywhere.

it doesnt help that I'm reminded everyday from other people either.

and i'm still paying for past mistakes.

but i've realized that I dont have to carry these things with me anymore if I just....

surrender.

every thing, every part of me.

my dreams, my mistakes, and my enitre life.

if i just trust him and completely surrender

he will be there, willing to take all of me,

and everything else.

if i just surrender,

he will catch me,

always.

but things like this are easier said then done.

as I've said, i'm not great at fully trusting anyone.

and if i want to completely surrender, then i need to trust.

trust that he will protect me.

that he wont let me fall.

and thats hard.

really hard.

but it's worth it.

i realized that just letting go and trusting him is so much easier

than holding back.

and when you learn to let go,

is when you completely and fully

surrender.

jeremiah 50:15

she surrenders,

her towers fall,

her walls are torn down.

don't look at me, look at him.

it's hard to admit,
but I'm not perfect.
Actually, I'm pretty far from it.

very far.

and most of us are.

nobody is perfect.

we can't expect people to be.

we can't put them up on petistools.

because sooner or later, they'll let us down.

I have this problem.

there are certain people in my life who I look up to.

I expect them to be perfect.

and it's unfair.

to them.

and to me.

I get my hopes up thinking that they'll be someone I can trust in.

but then when they fall, I lose their trust.

It's led to alot of broken relationships in my life.

for example, my brother and I.

first, you need to know that my brother is such a inspiration to me.

I wish everyday that I could be as caring, kind, faithful as he is.

He is such a great leader and follower of christ.

I thought he was perfect.

totally unfair of me.

for so long, we were constantly fueding.

I thought that he would never make mistakes.

but he did.

and quite often.

I felt so neglected and alone.

I felt that nothing I knew was the same anymore.

that my perfect brother was failing me.

and I was confused.

then, we started really talking and trying to understand each other.

he had no idea that I had carried such high thoughts about him.

that I was constantly trying to be like him.

and I finally realized that

he's not perfect.

nobody is.

except god.

when I finally figured this out,

that was when our relationship started to mend.

we started to be able to talk to each other without fighting.

and I was able to not feel let down.

neglected.

hurt.

through this, I realize that you can't rely on people.

people are people.

human.

they'll always let you down.

the only person you can rely on is god.

he is perfect.

holy.

worthy.

he is the one you can put your trust in.

he will never let you down.

he is always there for you.

always.

and I am so thankful for that.

psalms 18:2

the lord is my rock, my fortress,

and my deliverer; my god is my rock

in whom I take refuge.

oh how he loves us, oh how he loves.

the enemy will stop at nothing.

nothing.

he's always waiting to attack.

he springs at any chance he can get to tear your world apart.

to make you feel

worthless, betrayed, unwanted, and useless.
just name a few.

we wants you to feel like you can no longer go on.

he likes to see you suffer.

actually, he thrives on it.

lately I feel as if he has been taking every chance he can get to make

my life horrible.

to ruin me one piece at a time.

to push me to my absolute breaking point.

he's been coming at me with full strength.

ruining my relationships, my self-esteem, and

my passion.

I just feel lately like I'm worthless.

like I can't do anything.

like no one could ever love me.

also, not only that, but a relationship with one of my closest friend

and one of my many mentors

was ruined.

I felt as if every second she kept telling me what I was doing wrong.

that I couldnt do anything right.

but I realize now that it was just the enemy speaking to me.

making me feel useless and betrayed.

and now its too late.

but as I have been going through this, I have been realizing

not just how much the enemy hates me,

but how much god loves me.

I was looking in the mirror today and I just felt like god speaking to me,

saying to me,

"abbie, your worth it.

your beautiful.

your strong."

wow.

god, you never cease to amaze me.

so from now on, I realize that no matter how bad it gets,

no matter how bad you feel.

he's always there.

watching over you.

protecting you.

telling you you're beautiful.

your strong.

and that your worth it.

psalms 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully

and wonderfully made.

your works are wonderful.

I know that full well.

awaken my heart, awaken my soul.

more and more I find myself drained.
physically, mentally, emotionally.
and spirtually.
I find myself taking the easy way out because
of this.
I feel like I just have this constant "tired"
feeling all the time.
It's not like my schedule is full.
pretty much just dance, school, and practice.
not very busy, ehh?
but why do I feel so spent by the end of the week?
Also, I've been realizing how I don't have a time that
I spend with god each week.
and that I haven't spent nearly as much time praying and talking
with god as I normally do.
then it hit me.
that's why I feel so tired and weak by the end of the week.
spending time with god just rejuvenates my spirit.
his wisdom is what gives me stength to get through the week.
I need him.
badly.
when I talk to god, my spirit just feels content, like at peace.
it just feels right.
I have begun to realize that in his presence is where I belong.

we were singing a song at youth wednesday night that just
really pulled at my heart.
for so long, I was confused.
lost.
out of options.
I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.
only until realized that I belong with him.
with my lord.
in his presence.
the song just kept repeating
"I finally found where I belong, I finally found where I belong,
in your presence."
and it just literally had me in tears.
that the lord of the earth could allow me to be in his presence.
and not only that, but it was where I belong.
I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty cool.
actually, it's pretty awesome if you think about it :)

exodus 33:14
the lord replied,
"my presence will go with you,
and I will give you rest."

together we can make it through another day.

okay, so i've been realizing how much i isolate myself. not just from people i dont like, but even from the people i love.

why?

why would i want to stay away from

the people who love me the most?

i've always been an introverted person.

i never really liked working in groups. not because i didnt like the people.

just because i thought it was easier to get things done by myself.

and i realized that when i work in groups i get angered and irritated easily.

again, why?

this question has always been present in my soul.

why do i constantly push myself away from others?

up until now, i was okay with leaving that question unanswered,

but recently, i've had this question on my heart.

so i went to god. and he told me why.

he told me that for so long i had relied on only myself

because im afraid.

afraid of rejection. afraid of humiliation.

that someone wont like my ideas, or thoughts, or

just wont like me.

for so long, i had pushed others away because i am truely afraid of what would happen if i didn't.

fear of rejection=self reliance

but god also told me something else.

that this habit was definetly bad.

as the body of christ, we must work together. we must rely on each other for help, and also be able to give help when needed.

we must constantly surround ourselves with other followers of christ.

fellowship.

and when we do that,

we can truley change the world.

1 corinthians 12:27-

now you are the body of christ,

and each one of you is a part of it.

faith over practicality.

lately, i've been really focusing on why I make the decisions I do.

why do I want this? why am I doing this?

i realized that the reason i want things is because they are practical, they are within reach.

when i was asked what i wanted to be when i was little, it would always be these bizzare things such as a cotton candy maker or a professional ballerina.

if i was asked to day what i wanted to be it would be a lawyer.

how can a kid with such creativity go from these crazy dreams to being a lawyer?

one word. practicality.

a lawyer is practical, its reasonable. it's attainable. its safe. there's no fear at all. people will always need lawyers.

but I feel as if being practical is not what im called to be. i'm called to step out of my comfort zone. i'm called to make a difference. i'm called to rely on faith.

to rely on god.

not to be worried that something wont work out.

but to put my trust in him.

always.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that we can't be afraid of faith. of stepping out of our comfort zone. it was what we were all called for. to make a difference.

psalms 56:3

but when i am afraid, i will put my trust in you.

NLV

i am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow.

again, I am faced with another one of life's challenges. And this one I know is relevant in many other lives besides mine. And this challenge just happens to be, jealousy. Yup, we all know it. and we've all had to deal with it throughout the years. Jealous for what someone has, jealous for someones talents, or even jealous of someones relationship with another. At first, I just thought it was normal, it was human-nature to want more. to want what others have. But lately, I've realized that this isn't okay. actually, it's pretty bad. James 4:2-3 says...

"You desire but you do not have, so you kill. You covet but cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

As human, we want. It doesn't matter what, but inside of us, we all want. But that's not what God wants. He wants us to be able to celebrate when others are blessed. He wants us also to be able to bless others instead of constantly thinking of what we don't have. And when we continue to bless others is when we will begin to be blessed.

thanks for reading :)